Enough
Originally, I had meant for this blog to be a space where I detailed the sordids of my sex work life. And thusfar, that is what it has primarily been.
However, due to the dearth of sex work jobs in my life right now (by choice), there has consequently been a dearth of, well, anything on this space. And I think it'd be really sad to abandon this blog altogether save for the occasional update when I see a client for cash, so I'm thinking about expanding. Or, at least, I had a post marinating in my head that seemed not quite right for the Other Blog, and what better place to deposit my thoughts than into the pseudo-anonymous void of cyberspace? So here we go, straight from my brain to your eyes.
I left work late tonight, it was mostly my choice. The rain was coming down hard when I stepped out of the door and a chill had begun to grasp at the air in a way that it hadn't this morning. No more short sleeves to work, I noted. When I turned on the car, the radio was playing a beautiful selection, jazz, interrupted only a few times to encourage its members to pledge money. I wish I had the cash, but anything extra these days would only come from sex work. And giving hooking money to public radio seems...wrong, somehow.
The streets were slick and dark, like tar, and my windshield wipers were the off-beat metronome to the soft piano warming my car. The music was so beautiful, and it reminded me of my father, the man who loves me as much as he can, but even in his late 50's, isn't an adult, not yet. I think I sighed, maybe out loud, trying to figure out where dinner would come from. I realized that I was happy. I realized that I was going home tonight, to dinner from a drive-thru window and my soft grey pajamas and my tiny room, and no warm body to snuggle or to kiss goodnight, I would be happy about it.
Ever since I have self-consciously vowed against monogamy, I've known that no single person could ever be enough. I want every single relationship in my life, even those of the smallest intimacies, because they nourish me, invigorate me. But I remember thinking, my foot slowing on the accelerator, I am enough. Yes, that cheesy self-help mantra that never really means anything to anyone until it needs to. And god knows that I long for romance and connection and passion in my life just as much as the next person. But I still think, even if I never found that, even if I never found a person or persons to share my life with, I could be enough. So maybe it isn't my time to really know that I am enough to make myself so incredibly happy and fulfilled, it was in those moments, there in the car in the rain on the street on the drive that I make every Monday through Friday evening, I knew that someday I will be enough for myself. More than enough.
posted by Lusty @ 9:49 PM
3 comments
