10.24.2005

Enough

Originally, I had meant for this blog to be a space where I detailed the sordids of my sex work life. And thusfar, that is what it has primarily been.

However, due to the dearth of sex work jobs in my life right now (by choice), there has consequently been a dearth of, well, anything on this space. And I think it'd be really sad to abandon this blog altogether save for the occasional update when I see a client for cash, so I'm thinking about expanding. Or, at least, I had a post marinating in my head that seemed not quite right for the Other Blog, and what better place to deposit my thoughts than into the pseudo-anonymous void of cyberspace? So here we go, straight from my brain to your eyes.


I left work late tonight, it was mostly my choice. The rain was coming down hard when I stepped out of the door and a chill had begun to grasp at the air in a way that it hadn't this morning. No more short sleeves to work, I noted. When I turned on the car, the radio was playing a beautiful selection, jazz, interrupted only a few times to encourage its members to pledge money. I wish I had the cash, but anything extra these days would only come from sex work. And giving hooking money to public radio seems...wrong, somehow.

The streets were slick and dark, like tar, and my windshield wipers were the off-beat metronome to the soft piano warming my car. The music was so beautiful, and it reminded me of my father, the man who loves me as much as he can, but even in his late 50's, isn't an adult, not yet. I think I sighed, maybe out loud, trying to figure out where dinner would come from. I realized that I was happy. I realized that I was going home tonight, to dinner from a drive-thru window and my soft grey pajamas and my tiny room, and no warm body to snuggle or to kiss goodnight, I would be happy about it.

Ever since I have self-consciously vowed against monogamy, I've known that no single person could ever be enough. I want every single relationship in my life, even those of the smallest intimacies, because they nourish me, invigorate me. But I remember thinking, my foot slowing on the accelerator, I am enough. Yes, that cheesy self-help mantra that never really means anything to anyone until it needs to. And god knows that I long for romance and connection and passion in my life just as much as the next person. But I still think, even if I never found that, even if I never found a person or persons to share my life with, I could be enough. So maybe it isn't my time to really know that I am enough to make myself so incredibly happy and fulfilled, it was in those moments, there in the car in the rain on the street on the drive that I make every Monday through Friday evening, I knew that someday I will be enough for myself. More than enough.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

9:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Everyone has days when they are down, worn out, overcoming anxiety and just not feeling all that happy.

That's OK, you need to have days like this, otherwise how would you know when you are happy. You need to have something to contrast your happiness with. What is black without white?

Even though you know that sadness (overcoming anxiety) is a part of life, let's try to make it a small part of life.

With that said, here are a few tips to help you feel better when you are feeling down in the dumps. They are easy to do, easy to practice every day and they work!

1. Stand up straight, sit up straight. When your body is in alignment your energy can flow and when your energy is flowing freely, you can flow.

2. Smile! Yes, just smile. Easy to do and effective.

3. Repeat positive affirmations. Things like "I feel good", "Positive energy flows through my body", "I see the good in all".

4. Listen to some music that you like. It doesn't have to be anything specific, just something you enjoy. Certain types of music work better than others, but experiment and see what works for you. Studies have shown that Classical music and new age music work best.

5. Take some time out for yourself, relax and read a book, do something for yourself.

6. Meditate. Meditation is an excellent habit to develop. It will serve you in all that you do. If you are one who has a hard time sitting still, then try some special meditation CDs that coax your brain into the meditative state. Just search for "Meditation music" on Google or Yahoo and explore.

Our outside work is simply a reflection of our inside world. Remember there is no reality just your perception of it. Use this truth to your advantage. Whenever you are sad, realize that it is all in your mind and you do have the power to change your perception.

These tips will lift you up when you are down, but don't just use them when you are sad or overcoming anxiety . Try and practice them everyday, make them a habit. You will be surprised at how these simple exercises will keep the rainy days away.

On a final note, if you are in a deep depression that you can't seem to shake, please go see a doctor. This is your life and don't take any chances. overcoming anxiety

4:14 AM  
Anonymous Jesse said...

That second comment was such a long post for spam. But I suppose that might actually work better than the standard "I like your blog, read this..." spam.

either way, nice post.

11:09 AM  
Blogger Lusty said...

I know! I read it this morning when I was still half asleep and it took me several moments to figure out that it was spam. I think I'll leave it up there for posterity.

11:44 AM  
Blogger Apadravia said...

How do you become a part time sex worker?

4:55 PM  

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