More thoughts on boundary setting

As I negotiate my way further and further into the world of sex for gain, I am the recipient of constant lessons on boundary setting. I think that those of us who were raised as women are continuously bombarded with mixed messages about boundary setting, which often leads to poor skills with the practice as an adult. Can you blame us?

I am no exception. On many an occasion, I have made a definitive statement either to myself or to a larger audience, only to back down later when, for some reason, I began to doubt myself. Sometimes this is a positive thing. Getting your boundaries pushed in good ways can be challenging and rewarding experiences that I think we should all try. Bad boundary pushing, however, is a big no no.

I've found that in this line of work, clients are always trying to push my boundaries. Always. Either they want to see me for cheaper, they want more for less, they want to do something I feel sketchy about, and the list goes on. Whenever I accept a job, I have to be extremely clear with the both of us about what my own personal rules and stipulations will be. An outsider might look at what I've just wrote and tell me to dump all those asshole clients who participate in such behaviors and to only take on ones that respect my every wishes, but I am going to make a controversial statement and say that I don't think all of these guys are inherently bad. After all, don't we all want the most for our money? Who can blame a guy for trying to live out his sexual fantasies for as little as possible?

So this has been a lesson in firm, but gentle boundary setting. It's kind of like the way you might talk to an unruly child. Make sure you know that they are not bad people, but that what they've done is wrong and firmly tell them to not do it again. I did it just a few minutes ago, in fact. A client I'm seeing tomorrow really wants to have a threesome with another guy. I told him I'd do it, but not during our first meeting. I feel very set in this decision. He kept on trying to push me and finally I stopped playing Miss Coy and told him in no uncertain terms that no, it would not happen tomorrow and thank you for respecting my boundaries. He wrote back, apologetic, and told me that he would not bring his friend after all. No hurt feelings and no misunderstanding about where I stood.

So, in a way, dealing with pushy dudes has been really great for me. I have begun to feel more self-assured in my non-sex work life and more confident that I do, in fact, have the right to live my life on my own damn terms.


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