Lusty reviews celebrity sex tapes

As is the case with most of popular culture, I'm about two years late in finally viewing the Paris Hilton sex tape. I had heard all of the major details from Paris-obsessed friends of mine including the one about the infamous cell phone pick-up, which I haven't yet seen because I'm watching it as I type (oh how I love computers for enabling my love of multitasking). But I'm not impressed yet.

The things that do not surprise me thusfar are: her continual boredom with the whole affair (and nothing wilts my girl hard-on faster than one or more disinterested parties in a sex act), the way her naked body looks like an adolescent girls's, and the size of her companion's penis. I had heard many talk about how big it was, but c'mon people! It's just long, and we all know that though the vagina has a very finite depth, its capacity for width expansion is quite astounding. To borrow Michael Kors's famous phrase: "I am underwhelmed." One thing that has me clutching my pearls, however, is the conclusion I have come to that they are not using a condom. Maybe it's the poor lighting, but I nearly had a heart attack when I saw his bratwurst spearing her shaved hoo-hoo sans casing! Call me old-fashioned, but WHAT ARE THE KIDS DOING TO THEMSELVES NOWADAYS?!!?

I also got myself a bootlegged copy of the Pam and Tommy porn tape (natch), and that one was a little more entertaining, though shorter. In the throes of newlywedhood, there is obvious interest and attraction between the two of them. It's actually kind of cute that Pam is all shy about her husband taking pussy shots with the video camera, though sad if you think about it a little more. I mean, if one of this popular culture's most well-known sex icons is ashamed of her vagina, what does that say? I will say, however, that Pam gives a much better blowjob than Paris. Again, Paris seems bored and gets distracted easily (which really seems to be her life's M.O.) when she's going down on the guy she's with. Pam seems to get into the fucking bit more than does Paris, and Tommy's not as much of an ass as is Paris's boy toy. I mean, what the hell is up with that persistent Show me your pussy! business? Obnoxious, is what it is.

In general, I'm not a big celebrity fan (hence me taking 2+ years to get around to downloading the videos). In fact, I haven't been one since the sixth grade, when I literally covered my bedroom wall with posters of my teenybopper crush. But I feel clued in after having seen these and am having that slightly smug sensation I always get when I finally see some bit of zeitgeist and am able to sneer/jeer/cheer/queer like the rest of the country has been doing for a long ass time before me.